Not her Type
by CyborgWithGreatHair
Summary: Lester returns from an extended mission and feels the need to assert his dominance in the womanising department. Unfortunately for him, he chooses the wrong woman. This is an AU story. REFORMATTED AND READABLE!


_So sorry to everyone who attempted to read this story after I posted it the first time. Apparently a 3am posting from my iPad wasn't the smartest move. Now I believe it is fixed._

 _I wrote this between 0010 and 0300 this morning when unable to sleep. So excuse me if the plot is a little whack._

 **Not Her Type**

We sat in our booth. The one we paid Shorty to keep free for us because it was perfectly located to allow a view of all exits, including the door to the kitchen and the short corridor that lead to the restrooms. Bobby sat across from me, keeping a steady flow of information as he got Lester up to date with everything that had happened in the year he'd been out of contact. Lester, quickly devouring a cheese pizza, had his back pressed firmly, yet casually into the corner, still working off the knee jerk reactions left over from such an extended bout in the field. His gaze was roving the crowded restaurant, but I could tell from the glint in his eyes that he was not scanning for threats. He was a man on a mission that varied entirely from the one he'd just returned from. He needed a woman. I wanted to judge him for it, but we each had our tried and true methods that worked to loosen us up after the horrors be government liked to subject us to. Mine was cats. Bobby's was knitting. Lester's just happened to be sex. Of course, it was his solution to everything, so there was no shock there.

Ranger was supposed to have met us here, but was held up with a situation. No doubt it was Stephanie related. The woman was a disaster zone if ever I saw one, but even I had to admit she was good for him. I'd never seen him as relaxed as I had in the past couple months since they made their relationship official. It was like she soothed that anger that had dwelled inside him for too long. He'd kept it well restrained for so many years, unable to find the right outlet like the rest of us had, until Steph came along and shoved her way past all his defences.

As if summoned by my thoughts, the woman herself walked through the door, brushing a curl out of her face as she deposited her umbrella in the stand by the entrance. I could definitely see why Ranger was so infatuated with her. Just by stepping into the room, she had gained enough attention that a hush had fallen over the patrons. One in particular. It wasn't until that moment that I realised we'd failed to deliver what could be considered the most important piece of news from his time away. The boss, his cousin, had met a woman that he was actually willing to let into his life.

Predictably, Lester's head snapped up at the change in atmosphere, searching for a threat. I knew the instant he spotted her, because he lowered his slice to the plate and let out a low whistle, reaching for a napkin.

"Hot damn," he breathed, eyes glued to Steph's ass as she made her way to the counter. "I think I just hit the jackpot."

Bobby glanced over his shoulder to see who had caught his partner's eye and simply snorted.

"She'll never go for you," I informed him knowledgeably.

Lester cut his eyes to me briefly. "Why not?" he asked, a challenge clear I his tone.

"Because she's-" Bobby started, but I shook my head ever so slightly, cutting him off.

"Because she's what?" Lester pressed.

"Let's just say you're not her type," I explained, leaving out all the major details.

Returning his gaze to Stephanie, where she was absorbed in her phone while she waited in line, Lester asked, "How do you know?"

"We've seen her around," Bobby said, catching onto my game.

"But she hasn't seen me," Lester protested, his self-assured nature coming to the fore as her puffed out his chest and ran a hand through his artfully disheveled hair. "I'm everybody's type."

I shook my head solemnly, but on the inside I was grinning from ear to ear. I'd forgotten how much fun it was to wind Lester up. "Allow me to demonstrate," I said, levering my large frame from the tiny booth and straightening my belt. I took a single step, calling over my shoulder, "I'll be right back with a phone number."

Making my way through the throngs of people was no problem. At my size, people just stepped out of the way instinctively and before I knew it, I was standing right behind Ms Stephanie Plum. My best friend and boss's girlfriend. Here's hoping she's a good sport. With a glance back at the booth to make sure Lester was watching I stepped up beside her.

Her attention shifted to me instantly, a reaction I was used to, since most people were curious about a sudden shadow falling over them.

"Do me a favour an laugh like I said something humorous," I requested, before she could say anything. She rewarded me with a wide grin and a bit of a chuckle.

"Is this a distraction?" she asked, managing to keep the sparkle in her eyes as she reminded me of the night I'd met her.

We'd been planning a sting for days, talking circles as we tried to come up with a fool proof way of getting a skip out of a bar and into a truck without causing a scene. Finally, Hank had suggested we have a woman lure him out, which was a brilliant plan, except we knew no women that were willing and able to do such a thing. For most of us, our female acquaintances were limited to mothers, sister, one night stands, and Ella, with the odd occasion of a wife and/daughter. But we're talking snow on the dessert sand, rare.

Ranger had taken the idea and run with it, assuring us he'd find a suitable woman for the job. He'd ended up at Vincent Plum Bail Bonds to try to talk Vinnie's receptionist, Connie - a fierce woman, hair bigger than the state of Ohio and cleavage to match - into stepping up to the plate. What he ended up with, though, was a woman who was much more than we could have hoped for.

Stephanie, recently out of a job as a lingerie buyer, had just that week started working for her cousin as a file clerk. And wouldn't you know it, her sense of adventure was almost as big as Connie's hair. When Connie refused, even with Ranger's generous five figure offer for the single night, Ranger had shrugged and turned to leave. He'd just made it to his SUV outside, though, when a figure appeared beside him and a voice confidently announced, "I'll do it."

For reasons that were, at the time, unknown, but now abundantly clear, even if he does deny them, Ranger briefed Steph for the job in private, only introducing her to the team she'd be working with a few hours before the operation was to commence. She didn't seem at all intimidated by our size, or our lack of expressions, instead she just greeted us with all the manners we'd come to expect from the residents of the Burg and listened attentively as we did our final run through the plan.

Personally, I'd had my doubts that a mild mannered woman like Steph could pull off what we were asking, but I was glad I hadn't spoken my thoughts allowed, because by the end of the night I would have had to eat my words. She was a natural. With the way she commanded her audience - the entire male population of that bar - she could have been a star on Broadway. She was in and out within an hour, our skip trailing behind, and not a hair out of place on her head. The woman was truly amazing, and if Ranger hadn't made it clear that she was strictly off limits, I might have tried a thing or two. But as it was, she was taken, which left me with the delightful task of playing the company Playboy.

"Not exactly," I said, leaning in a little closer and raising my hand to gently touch her upper arm. "See, Ranger's cousin just got back from, uh, out of town-" as far as I was aware, no one had informed Steph of _everything_ we do for a living, and I wasn't about to be the one to broach the subject - "and you caught his eye. We tried telling him he didn't have a shot with you, but -"

"Is this the playboy cousin?" she asked a small smile inching up the corner of her mouth. "You want me to write my number on your hand so that he thinks you're my type?"

"I'd be ever so appreciative," I confirmed and just for good measure, I leaned down a further so that my lips were right beside her ear. "Pizza's on me." I started to lean back, then, but before I got too far, Steph had grabbed my hand and was dragging me the short distance to the counter, where she slipped a pen out of the cup beside the register and turned my arm so that the slightly paler flesh of my wrist was showing so she could print her name and number there.

I gave her my most sincere, least frightening grin and backed up a step. "You're the best boss's girlfriend we've ever had," I informed her.

She smirked in return and pointed out, "From what I've heard I'm the only boss's girlfriend you've ever had."

"True," I agreed. "Stand by for phone number verification."

When I made it back to the booth, Bobby was grinning widely, while Lester had his arms crossed over his chest. "What's that supposed to prove?" he asked rather sourly as I showed him the number I had procured as promised. "It's probably a fake. Girls like that don't just give guys like you their number."

"Test it out then," I challenged.

Without a second thought, he whipped out his phone and started typing, hitting speaker when he was through so we could all listen to it ring while watching Steph. She pulled the device from her pocket, looked at the display then held it to her ear at the same moment the ringing stopped and we heard her voice greet us.

"Hello?"

Lester hung up almost violently, dropping his phone to the table like it had burnt him. "Still doesn't prove anything," he announced, taking a swig of his soda and making a shooing gesture to get me to let him out of the booth. I moved aside obligingly before sliding back in as he practically stalked across the restaurant. Steph had just placed her order and was moving to the side when Lester approached.

"Bobby give me the blow by blow," I requested, asking the medic to utilise his second most prized skill: lip reading.

Bobby nodded, and dutifully began his audio transcript. "Lester: Hey there, beautiful. Steph: Uh, hi. Lester: Listen, my thug friend who you just gave your number to bet me fifty bucks that I wasn't your type. Steph: Better head to the ATM then. Lester: What? Steph: You're not my type." There was a short pause as we watched Lester's blank face struggle to contain his shock, followed by suspicion. "Lester: He told you to say that, didn't he? Come on, Beautiful, you can be honest with me. Steph: You want honesty? He's not really my type either. I just gave him my number so he'd leave me alone. He's been in that booth staring at me every time I come here for the last three weeks." Bobby snorted. "She's not wrong. You have been staring at her."

"Focus, Brown," I commanded.

"Right," he nodded. "Lester: Yeah, he can e a bit of a creep some times. He can't help it. He was breast fed until he was nine."

"I'm gonna kill him," I announced casually, the same way most people would comment on the weather. "He's as good as dead."

"Hold that thought," Bobby suggested, scooting along the bench seat a little to get a better view. "Something's caught Steph's eye."

I'd noticed it too, her head had turned swiftly toward the door, a hand unconsciously reaching up to rub the back of her neck. "Has to be Ranger," I said, recognising the action. She always rubbed her neck just before Ranger appeared. Steph's eyes lit up, and her lips moved causing Lester's expression to turn stormy. "What did she say?" I demanded.

"Truth be told, _he's_ more my type," Bobby relayed, just as Ranger appeared in the doorway, rain dripping off his windbreaker. Steph didn't hesitate to close the distance between herself and the man she, by all accounts, loved, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing a kiss to his lips. "Steph: Parking fairy off duty? Ranger: Every man and his dog is here tonight, Babe. Steph: including your cousin."

We were both distracted from the couple by the door as Lester returned to the table, Thumping each of us in the arm hard enough that a lesser man would have lost use of the limb for several hours. "You set me up," he pointed out.

"Of course," Bobby assured him. "What else were we supposed to do?"

Lester rolled his eyes. "For a start, you could have told me she was Ranger's latest fuck buddy."

I couldn't help but hiss in a breath through my teeth as he said the words. Ranger had indeed been known, as we all had, to take a woman for a few nights of casual sex before leaving her behind when his needs had been met. Yet it was clear to anyone who saw them together that Steph was so much more than that. And Lester was just unfortunate enough to have his cousin and the woman in question standing directly behind him when he made that suggestion.

"I didn't expect to be calling you to the mats so soon after your return," Ranger said coolly, his arm wrapped around Steph's waist. "But I'm happy to do if it means you'll remember your place."

I met Bobby's eyes across the table and knew in an instant that we were both thinking the same thing. Lester wasn't the only one who would be punished. Our little stunt would cost us.

"As for the two of you," Ranger continued, eyeing us each in turn. "I think it's about time you bought stock in Voltarin." Steph whispered something in his ear and he shook his head. "But apparently your antics were entertaining and I have to admit that seeing Lester be rejected for once was a pleasure. Prepare for minor beatings at 0500 tomorrow.

Steph grinned a little shyly and held out her hand to Lester. "Stephanie Plum, Ranger's girlfriend. You must be the infamous Lester Santos."

Lester, apparently having learned nothing from the events of the last twenty minutes, took her hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a firm kiss to her knuckles. "Come see me when you change your mind about which cousin you like best," he instructed before releasing her and stepping aside so that she and Ranger could slide into the booth.

The firm whack he received to the side of his head as Steph was settling herself went unnoticed by the woman who had proven time and again that she did not have the same awareness of her surroundings that had been beaten into us all, and as soon as everyone was seated she began an impromptu interrogation of Lester as she had us all when she was first getting to know us. Her questions were rapid fire. His answers just as quick, until finally, she paused long enough for him to get his own question in.

"So tell me, Beautiful, how did this -" he gestured from her to our fearless leader and back, a dubious expression on his face, "all come about. Give me the play by play. Did you try to kill him? He often finds that endearing."

Steph laughed, obviously knowing Ranger well enough to recognise a joke about his serious nature, and began to spin the tale of their first encounter, followed by the slow budding of their relationship. It was far more romanticised than watching the real thing had been, practically dripping with fairy tale magic, but it served to relax Lester's mission-tensed nerves and by the end of the evening, I think we'd all but forgotten the thrashing that awaited us in the gym the next morning.

 **The End**

 _Please take the time to let me know what you think in a review._


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